I was talking with a fellow grandma the other day about helping our grandkids with empathy. Hers are still pretty young, and she was feeling a little frustrated that her efforts didn't seem to be getting results. My friend knows that I talk about empathy a lot. Empathy is deeply involved with mediation, in a somewhat circular way: mediation breeds empathy and empathy facilitates mediation. I'll share some of my thoughts about our conversation here.
Remember waiting for your baby to smile? You heard (or read) that baby would smile at about six weeks, but that didn't stop you from smiling in the meantime. From day one, you were gazing at baby, making all those silly, exaggerated faces that we make – mouth open, eyebrows up, eyes wide. And yes, grinning like a monkey. Finally, finally, your baby smiled back. Such a rich reward!
Empathy works exactly the same way except that the time frame is excruciatingly long, long enough to make you wonder (like my friend) if all her efforts are for nought. The capacity for empathy usually kicks in between ages three and five. But you can begin sowing the seeds much earlier, by talking about feelings and triggers.
To an infant: “Oooh, the kitty got scared when I dropped the book. He was so scared he ran away.”
To a toddler: “You're so happy she gave you the book. That was so friendly of her.”
To a preschooler: “He's crying because you hurt his body. That made him angry and sad.”
Talk about feelings a lot, and talk about a lot of feelings. Use the first person (I-messages), the second person (Active Listening) and the third person (observations) as well. Stretch yourself to go beyond “happy” and “sad” and “angry.” Know that you are setting the stage. Like a fourteen-year old who's itching to drive a car but isn't developmentally ready to deploy the skill, he is nonetheless taking it all in from his perch in the passenger seat.
A couple of years ago in California, we experienced the wonder of a super-bloom of desert wildflowers. Seeds for those flowers had been lying dormant in the sand for many years. Then, when all the conditions had been met for sun and water – wow, what a display. Right now you may feel like you are sowing seeds of empathy out on the desert. But when the child is developmentally ready to feel empathy, imagine the array of skills she will already possess!