When talking with parents about my book, one of the questions that comes up a lot is, “Why not just send them off to work it out themselves?” Great question! Next to arbitrating (handing down a decision like a judge or umpire), telling kids to “work it out themselves” is the second most popular parental strategy. There are a couple of reasons why I think mediation is a better way.
The first reason is quite simple: they don't have the tools to do this independently. Little kids don't have the vocabulary for discussing their emotions, needs and wants. Most don't have the patience to stick to a problem-solving process. And perhaps most importantly, they don't yet believe it can work! Only after a number of successful mediations do they begin to understand the value of negotiation and compromise. Over time, they see that a win-win outcome buttresses and enriches a relationship whereas a win-lose outcome can damage it. Once kids have all these tools in their belt, they can indeed “work it out themselves.” It's not hard to wean them from mediation after these critical tools are put in place.
The second reason is what I call “liabilities of temperament.” We're born with different types of personalities, and temperament profoundly influences how we deal with disputes. The prospect of conflict presents a fight or flight response in just about everyone. It isn't hard to figure out who is inclined to fight and who tends to flee. Sending kids off to “work it out themselves” often serves only to reinforce personality traits – for example “easygoing” or “persistent” or “bossy.” When temperament always wins the day, fairness isn't well served. The purpose of mediation isn't to change lions into lambs or vice versa. However, if a naturally bold and aggressive child doesn't learn something about negotiation and compromise, he could be seen as overbearing right into adulthood. Likewise, if a reticent, mild- mannered child doesn't learn to stick up for his needs and wants, he might be a pushover others take advantage of. Mediation helps nudge these personalities a little toward center, providing solid, real-life coping skills in the process.
When you mediate, you are actually letting them work it out themselves, because you don't judge, decide or advise. A mediation is a guided negotiation, with the mediator asking great questions and providing structure. All of this points kids towards the day when they can negotiate independently – with a sibling or with anyone under the sun.