Some time ago, I was mediating a conflict between two parties who were having a workplace dispute. One of them tried to apologize not once but several times. Each time I heard her begin (“I'm sorry...”) my heart sang, because of course apologies are Mediation Gold. They can really turn the tide of a conflict. She was so close! In fact, I wrote down what she said each time:
“I'm sorry you had that experience.”
“I'm sorry that happened to you.”
“I'm sorry if you felt betrayed.”
Her conflict partner seemed unmoved by these apologies. There was no acknowledgment, no acceptance, no “I forgive you.” Well, of course not! None of these apologies hit the mark. The first two expressed no sense of personal responsibility for the hurt. They are the kind of thing you might say to a friend who ran into some bad luck, an event not caused by you – “I'm sorry your purse got stolen.”
And the third “apology” – not only does it dodge responsibility but it also contains that tiny, deadly word “if.” That word casts some doubt on the emotion's legitimacy. When apologizing to someone, at least take their word for how you made them feel, even if you think you wouldn't have reacted the same way. A stronger version of this would be, “I'm sorry you felt betrayed by me.” Much stronger still: “I'm sorry I betrayed you.”
In my book, The Opposite of COMBAT, I present a whole section about apologies and forgiveness. Both are good habits of mind. Apologies are incredibly useful in repairing ruptures, whether in the board room or the family home.
The most powerful and effective way to teach your children how to apologize is by example. That's how they learn. Parents spend a lot of time forcing kids to apologize, often long before empathy has really kicked in. (This is an empty ritual, in my opinion – more about that in my book.) Once children have some feelings of genuine empathy, usually at around age five or six, they will feel uncomfortable after wronging someone, and they will be moved by the other person's indignation or tears. Rummaging around in their tool box, they will remember what you do when you are feeling remorseful. They will apologize.
A spontaneous, heartfelt, unqualified apology is a thing of beauty. In fact, it's practically a magic wand! Unfortunately, it's pretty rare. You can teach your kids the magic by being a good role model.
Does your apology style need a tuneup?